Matt Heath & Jeremy Wells: In defence of the New Zealand male

In the wake of an online international survey that ranked Kiwi men as the worst in the world in the bedroom, great New Zealanders Matt Heath and Jeremy Wells fight back.

An online dating company surveyed 22,753 straight members from around the globe to find out which country has the best, and worst, male and female lovers.

Unfortunately for Kiwi men we ranked the lowest in the world - amassing a rating of just four out of 10.

Our female partners didn't fare much better, ranked a six out of 10 alongside Australian and Spanish women.

But there's no point in focusing on the negatives. The best way to defend the New Zealand male's bedroom performance is to outline what we do well.

1. Time management

We don't waste our woman's time. No faff and paff. Straight down to business. We realise our women are busy. It's better for the country if they spend their time contributing to the Gross Domestic Product rather than the Gross Domestic Penis.

2. Hygiene

We don't put undue pressure on ourselves or our partners to conform to unrealistic modern first world hygiene standards in the bedroom. Come as you are. The smellier the better.

3. Clothing

Full nudity has never been a prerequisite for the lovemaking New Zealand male. Kiwis need to be ready for any emergency that pops up. An earthquake, fire, tsunami or domestic cat issue can hit the New Zealand household at any time. Best to be at least partially dressed at all times to deal with these issues safely. Even if it's just socks.

4. Sleep

The New Zealand male works hard. Sleepiness is an issue. We are more than willing to roll over and have a sleep and maybe get back to things later in the week if needs be.

5. Power saving

Like our national bird most of us are overweight and do our best work in the dark. Keeping bills down and helping the environment.

This article was first published on nzherald.co.nz and is republished here with permission.